The Non-Food Related Post

Sometimes I do projects. And sometimes I finish them. Just ask my husband about that. Actually, don't, because that'll just remind him that he married a lazy poop. But I swear to you, if I could put IKEA furniture together all damn day, and paint random stuff I garbage pick, I would be the world's hap-hap-happiest person ever. Because who doesn't like doing that stuff? Commies, that's who.

Anyway, about a week ago, I was driving down the road in my husband's car, and I saw a sad little white bookshelf on the side of the road in someone's trash. And I remembered that I had seen this on Pinterest.

Which I want SO MUCH because our current dress-up situation looks like this.

Wah wahhhhh.

And you guys, the hamster wheels in my head started turning, and I saw that little white bookshelf turning into something like the Pinterest picture. But I was in my husband's car, and I wasn't sure if the LWB would fit in a sedan. So I drove past and almost turned around five times. I was in anguish the whole ride home, thinking that some other lucky person would drive by and pick up my LWB and make their own crafty project with it.

So I got home, grabbed my husband and the kid, and we took off in my little SUV (Charlie). And I made my long-suffering husband trash-pick that sucker and carry it to my car. And then he had to carry it inside. But you guys, he's awesome like that, and I promise he doesn't mind. Much.

When we got it home, I noticed that it was rickety, and the cardboard back was janky, so off I trundled to Home Depot to find something better. I found the most precious paintable beadboard paneling for around $1o. Which I then asked my beloved to cut it to size, when all he wanted to do was sit on the couch and play online poker.

And I painted ONLY the beadboard and nailed it onto the LWB.

Then I installed a clothes rod - also painted, of course.

And voila! Perfection!!

I'll be replacing the hangers with white hangers, but I wanted to see how it looked. The best part is, the whole thing cost less than $15. SCORE!

Not From A Box Hamburger Helper

Hamburger Helper is nasty. Yeah, I said it. But it's something that's easy, so people keep making it. You shouldn't. There is almost nothing redeeming about HH except the ease with which it cooks.

Buuuuuuut! I found a kickass recipe for a Hamburger Helper substitute that doesn't taste gross! And it's nearly as easy to make!! It totally looks gross, but them's the breaks when you put a bunch of crap in a pot. I promise it tastes a million times better than it looks.

Ingredients:

1 lb lean hamburger meat - I used ground turkey because I like it more

1 pkg taco seasoning - I used fajita seasoning because I didn't have taco

1 can Rotel tomatoes and green chilies (or petite diced tomatoes)

2 cups beef broth - I used vegetable broth

1 cup shell pasta

Cheese Sauce:

2 Tablespoons butter

2 tbsp flour

3/4 cup milk

1 cup shredded cheddar cheese

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 tsp pepper

Brown and drain the meat.

MMmmmmmm...meat!

Stir in the taco seasoning, Rotel, broth, and pasta.

Heat everything to boiling, and then reduce the heat and cover your pan. Simmer 12-14 minutes until the pasta is tender. While the meat concoction is simmering, start making your cheese sauce.

Melt the butter in a saucepan. Stir in the flour and cook for five minutes until you can smell the butter and it turns a nice light brown.

That's real buttah, baby!

Stir in the milk and bring to a boil. Stir until it's smooth and thickened.

Remove it from the burner and stir in the shredded cheese until it's all melty and gooey.

OMG, holy shit...look at that freaking cheese!

Add the salt and pepper to the cheese sauce. I didn't add extra salt/pepper because there's enough in the taco seasoning packet, but you do what you want, you salty little thang.

Pour the cheese sauce over the hamburger mixture and fold it all together.

It looks freaking gorgeous, right??

The kid didn't want to eat it because it was "SPICY mom!" so next time, I will substitute plain diced tomatoes and a spaghetti seasoning packet for the Rotel and taco seasoning because I think she would like that better.

And yes, that is my head shadow in like EVERY picture. I suck at pictures.

Mushroom Chicken over Rice

Threw out my back last week, so I've been lurching around like Quasimodo, taking the pain meds from my surgery, and not cooking. Because cooking can be tossed by the wayside for lying around on my ass. Because my chiropractor said I should. I love that man. If he gave me drugs, I would love him even more. That's okay, I have my own.

I did make a couple of efforts to feed my family. One of those efforts was another Cream of Crap thing, but it had asparagus! So, healthy! Also, I kind of made it up as I went along, so here's the "recipe":

4 chicken breasts - I get the thin cut ones, because the mammoth breasts are ridonk.

1 Tbsp of olive oil

Can of CoC soup - I used Cream of Mushroom

Cup of milk

Small can of sliced mushrooms

Two or three cups of cooked rice - I used two cups of brown rice.

Asparagus - about 25 stalks or so. Less if they're big stalks.

So you brown your chicken breasts in the olive oil.

Mmmmmmmmm!

At the same time, you're cooking the rice, and when it's done, you layer the bottom of your baking dish with it.

Then arrange your chicken over the rice.

God, look at those chickies! So browned and delectable!

Then mix the mushroom soup, mushrooms and milk, and mix well. Pour the goop over the top and make it look pretty. Or as pretty as possible.

Arrange the asparagus over that

Bake at 350 for like 20 minutes and voila!

Deliciousness for the whole fam-damnily! Even the kid ate this - minus the rice, visible mushrooms and asparagus. Par for the course, friends.

Ranch Crock Pot Pork Chops

Because I'm lazy, I love my crotch pot. Like my most favorite chore ever, laundry, you're doing something without actively doing something, which makes you look like a better person than you actually are. And allows you to lie on the couch, reading trashy romance novels and ignoring your three year old while she colors on the walls or whatever the hell she's doing. Just kidding, she was at school. I also love recipes that feature cream of crap soups. Like the CP and the good old laundry, CoCs make you look better. Even though they're not overly healthy - sodium, preservatives, blah blah blah - they still make boring stuff taste pretty good. And anyone who says otherwise is lying to make themselves look all fancy and shit.

I went shopping the other day and bought stuff for like three dinners. Which is a lot more advance planning than I can usually handle. And a lot more dinner than I usually cook. Cooking is much harder than the "fend for yourself" attitude I've had lately...like for the last few months and stuff. But I was feeling adventurous.

6 pork chops, 1/2 inch thick
1 packet dry ranch dressing mix
10 oz can cream of whatever soup - I used cream of chicken
1 cup milk

Mix the soup, milk (I did half milk/half water, and I filled up the soup can instead of dirtying a mixing cup, but you do what you want) and ranch dressing mix.



Place pork chops and the gloppy soup mixture into a medium sized crock pot over high heat for 4 hours or low heat for 6 hours. I did super low heat for 8 hours because I have that setting on my crotch pot and I like to use it.


Also I put some glop on the bottom first just because. Like so.



And I covered up the pork chops with the rest. Like so.



I also made mashed potatoes. Usually I would use instant (because, lazy), but I had a wild hair up my ass today, no doubt fueled by coffee and preschool, so I made real mashed potatoes. If you need the recipe, let me know. (And while I have you here, I swear, the guy who invented preschool is my best friend. I had like two hours of quiet time today. Kick ass.)


Taters, mmmhmm.

Anyway, I served dinner and I forgot to take a picture until we were already eating, but my sweet husband paused to let me photograph his plate. He's so patient. This stuff was a pure hit. My daughter, whose entire diet consists of garbage washed down by milk LOVED this stuff. And asked for more. And ate her broccoli. Is this real life?

Breakfast Muffins

My three year old daughter is not a lover of food. Which makes my job as a parent harder. I had grand plans pre-parenthood about being an amazing parent. I thought I would lovingly create homemade baby food for my baby - cooking organic veggies and pureeing them. And I did that. And she haaaaated them. She still hates vegetables (except raw spinach, go figure), so I try to add them to things that I know she loves. She loves eggs. And I love saving time. LOVE it. Things I can make in advance are my favorite. So I found this recipe on Pinterest and decided to make them...I chose bacon and spinach.

Ingredients

1/2 pound bacon, breakfast sausage or ham
1 cup bell pepper, onion or chopped spinach
8 large eggs
1/4 cup milk (or half & half...whatever blows your skirt, you sassy thing, you.)
1/2 tbsp vegetable oil
1/2 tsp baking powder
salt and pepper to taste
grated cheese as needed

Directions

1. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F.

2. In a large saute pan, medium high heat, cook your chosen meat. Remove from heat and stir in your chosen veggie. Or you could be a lazy turd and use pre-cooked meat like I did!

3. Whisk together eggs, milk, oil and baking powder. Season with salt and pepper.


(This is my kickass Texas Ware bowl. The greatest bowl ever made. I inherited it from my Gammy.)

4. Lightly spray a 12 section muffin pan with cooking spray. Spoon out the meat and veg evenly into each section.

5. Ladle the egg mixture over the meat and veggies. Fill each cup three quarters of the way full.



6. Sprinkle with cheese

7. Bake for 15-20 minutes.



And serve!